Water With Lemon

Dear Diary,

As a server, one of the most important jobs I have is to get my guests their beverages. Not just to get them, but to keep them filled throughout the duration of their stay. Many people might not know this, but when you go to a restaurant, your server is the one who gets your drinks. The server makes them too (with the exception of Bar Beverages). But this includes: sodas, coffee, ice teas, lemonades, and at some places: juices, milks, and hot chocolate.

Beverages are one of the highest items on the menu which bring the most income to a restaurant. One 5 gallon box of soda syrup (which provides approximately 240 16oz sodas) costs less than $30. So a restaurant only has to sell about 10 sodas to pay for it! Cha-Ching! Not to mention the price they charge for booze. You can buy a whole bottle of Stoli for a little shot glass full at a restaurant.

So, you can see why your server will typically suggest one of the many featured beverages on the menu. Me, personally, I could care less what you order. As long as you order something! You see, the more you order, the higher your bill will be. Therefore, (in theory) causing my tip to be higher.

I love it when I approach a table and offer them many different assortments of tropical flavored iced teas, lemonades, refreshing fruity alcoholic beverages, and just about every damn soda we have. And their response is, “I’ll just have a water with lemon.” (Like they are doing me a favor)

Every time I hear those lovely words, it feels like a little knife being jabbed in my side. Or what’s even worse, is with lime. At least the lemons are located directly next to where I get your drinks, and are easily assessable to me (if they are stalked). But the limes are all the way in the bar!

Another thing that will make your server’s teeth cringe is when some idiot at the table orders water for everyone sitting in the party, even if they aren’t there yet. “Just waters for everyone, for now.” Or “Could you bring everyone waters as well?” Now, I don’t mind if you get water in addition to another beverage which actually cost something, and you drink it. But I really hate it, when a guest will order waters on top of everything else, for everyone at the table, and when they finally vacate the premises; all 6 waters are still filled to the brim left on the table.

“I’ll have a water with lemon to start with.” To start with? Bitch, you aren’t going to order another drink. So please, don’t give me any false hope.

“Can I get a large water with lots of extra lemon on the side?” Okay, two things here. First off, if someone indicates the size of a beverage, such as small, medium, or large, they are not going to be gracing your day with a very good tip. This isn’t McDonald’s or Starbucks. This is a restaurant. We don’t offer different size beverages. Secondly, as far as your bowl of lemons is concerned, you’ll be happy to notice on your bill I charged your cheap ass for a lemonade.

So the next time you are dinning out at your favorite restaurant and your server offers you a deliciously refreshing ice cold featured specialty beverage; do them a favor and order it. I promise, if you do, you’ll get service with a smile!

Campers

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wish I had a meter on the end of my table. You know, like a Cab or Taxi has in it. Just a little black box with red digital numbers on it. If anything, it will certainly spice up the décor of the table.

Plus it would be great to have a minimum tip already calculated for them. Then have it linked to the computers, so when I put their food order in, the minimum can be adjusted based on what they order, and their total bill. Now, I’m not saying I would serve them slower, just to “milk” the meter, or anything like that. Maybe the meter doesn’t start till the food is dropped at their table. That way, they can’t blame the server for being too slow, or the kitchen for taking forever. They can just blame it on how slow they eat.

Yea, that’s a great idea. Let the guest see the minimum tip based on their order. Have it bright and shinning right next to them. Maybe it blinks every now and then. Or has sound effects. Then once their meals are delivered to the table, the meter begins. Slowly increasing as time goes by, with a time counter as well. So they can actually see time go by.

As I have said before, the only way to make money as a server is to serve as many tables as possible in one shift. The sooner one table leaves, the sooner another one can take its place. For a server, time is money. So the next time you visit a restaurant, remember, you are renting that table from the waitress or waiter who is serving it.

Now, it’s okay if you want to stay awhile and chat with your friends, hang out for a while. But make sure you make up for that time with the tip. A lot of people don’t realize this. That is why I feel, the meters at the tables will help everyone see that time is money.

I hate it when I have a great table, real friendly and a pleasure to serve, then once I drop the check, and give them back their change, they sit. They start pitching their tents, roll out their sleeping bags, and start collecting fire wood. But, I usually give people the benefit of the doubt (yea right). I tell myself, “Oh, they will leave me a good tip for staying so long. They know I only have a limited amount of tables, and they know I could be making another tip off another pair of assholes. They know. So when they finally do leave, and I pick up my tip, I know it’s going to make up for the time lost.”

Why do I kid myself every time? 3 hours later, I got $4.50. If there were a meter on their table, I would have got $15.00.

It’s not just about money either, it also about time. Especially, if it is the last table of my shift. I don’t want to sit there all night and wait for you to leave! Sure, you are having a great time chatting it up, playing with your straw in a cup of melting ice (Cause I sure as hell won’t get you a refill. Once I drop the check, I also drop my service!). How about you take your little friendship reunion out to the parking lot? That way I can flip you off on my way to my car, stripping off my uniform as I leave the restaurant even before you do. I’m just kidding, I would never do that! I usually leave my uniform on until I get home.

I still have stuff to do before I can go home, you know. I have to clean the mess you left on that table! Then I have to refill all the sugar, salt and pepper you let your little devil child spill all over the place. Plus I still have to sweep and clean the floor. Not to mention I have to close out your check and do all my money figurations for the day. So get out!

I do try to drop settle hints every now and then. I’ll say, “Is there anything else I can get for you?” “Are you still doing okay?” Or I’ll ignore them completely and avoid eye contact. If that doesn’t work, I’ll start cleaning the table while they are still sitting in it. Taking away all the dishes, glasses, sweep around it, etc.

So the next time you go to your favorite restaurant, leave your tents and sleeping bags at home. And try to imagine a little black box on the end of your table with red flashing numbers on it. If you do, I promise to give you service with a smile!